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    September 26

    担心的伤

        那天晚上,一个微不足道的行动反而自找了麻烦,这么多天过去了,回想起来除了自嘲,没有任何其他的心情。

     不管我的身份是什么,不管我持一种什么样的心情,自己认为正确的初衷,对于别人来说,可能是一种无法估量的伤害。只靠善良,是不可能拯救人心的。不能说拯救,应该说善良有时候也会变得如此无力。其实,我从来都不想拯救什么,脆弱得无法保护自己,根本没有资格去改变别人的世界。

        有些担心,根本就不是我的义务——不管我的身份是什么,不管我持一种什么样的心情。

        我不在意别人怎样批评我多管闲事或是自作多情,现在我只是明白了,有些担心是根本没有必要的,那样只会是自找麻烦。一时间,我开始怀疑玲音曾经对我说过的话。温柔和善良,究竟是我内心的外壳,不过是潜意识里寻求施予这些得到一种满足,还是真正的本性。不管答案是什么,我想我都不可能有   昴流那样的勇气,即使遍体鳞伤,也会一如既往地坚持内心善良的信念。

    无论如何坦然,终究也抵不过自己的软弱。总觉得累了,可是又无法清楚确切地感受那份心情。到头来,不过是又给自己的内心增加一个新的疑问。现在,我也会时时想起《白色巨塔》里那句话:“我想要确定的东西。”不过,并不是所有的问题都有答案,也不是所有的担心,都可以用对与错来裁判。

    我不想说什么对不起,因为我自己无法原谅自己,一句“对不起”没有任何的意义。我愿意静静地责备自己,直到所有的记忆都被我遗忘为止。

     

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